So you want to be a chilli farmer?

In order to work out whether you have the right balance of application, skills and moral decrepitude to qualify for a career in chilli farming, you must pass a written examination.

The examination is multiple choice, but additional marks will be given for showing your working out, showing your initiative, or showing your boobs (male or female, we’re equal opportunity here).

exam

You have 15 minutes to complete the test.  If you need longer, just guess like everyone else does on these things.  Or cheat.

  1.  The correct answer to ‘how hot is God Slayer’ is?:
    1. Stupidly hot
    2. Only real men/women can handle it
    3. Point at the rude words under the label and smirk
    4. All of the above
  2.  The correct punishment for double dippers is:
    1. Tut at them with an exasperated and very British ‘clean stick every time please’
    2. A furious waving of arms in the hope that they understand semaphore
    3. Storm round the front of the stall muttering that you have to change the sample now, in the hope it embarrasses them into a puchase
    4. Death
  3.  Bond is late for work at the Farm again.  What is his excuse?
    1. Traffic
    2. Traffic
    3. Traffic
    4. Traffic
  4. sparklybeardBeard’s beard is 30cm long by 10cm wide.  PinkBox Liz is planning to decorate it with spangly stuff, and has enough sparkles to cover 234 square centimetres.  Assuming 50% reflectivity of the sparkly stuff, what is the subsequent albedo of Beard’s beard post-sparklage?
    1. 0.25
    2. 0.39
    3. 0.78
    4.  What’s an albedo?
  5.  Jamie is cooking today.  He needs to buy 10 ingredients in order to complete the cook.  How many trips to Bookers will he need?
    1. One
    2. Two
    3. Three
    4. Eleven
  6.  Ywealth-potou have attended a free event where your sales expectations have exceeded your wildest dreams, making you a vast profit.  Why are you still not happy, even though you have only one bottle of Sweet Chilli Sauce left?
    1. You had to come back to the farm to re-stock mid-event
    2. Counting all those takings is so very tiring
    3. You were still left with one bottle of Sweet Chilli Sauce
    4. All of the above
  7. Moggy has written a document for the farm.  How many spelling mistakes is it likely to have?
    1. None
    2. One to five
    3. Five to ten
    4. Wot speling mstakez?
  8.  Kevin has a balanced diet largely consisting of chocolate, beer and Pot Noodles.  Approximately what percentage of his daily calorie intake is in the form of healthy food?
    1. 0 %
    2. Nought %
    3. Zero %
    4. Does the lettuce in a Big Mac count?
  9. crying childA small child has just stuck his finger in your Trinidad Scorpion sample.  Which of the following malicious thoughts is most appropriate?
    1. Lick it off
    2. Wipe it in your eye
    3. Stick it up your bum
    4. All of the above, don’t care in which order
  10. What is the collective noun for a group of market traders?
    1. Grumble
    2. Exhaustion
    3. Discontentment
    4. Disorganisation
  11. Notwithstanding a certain variance within the community, which of the following figures most closely represents the political views of the average chilli farmer?
    1. Jeremy Corbyn
    2. Jeremy Clarkson
    3. Vlad the Imapler
    4. Mr Blobby
  12. Which of the following adjectives best describes a chilli farmer after several hours spent in a very hot facesweatpolytunnel?
    1. Fragrant
    2. Moist
    3. Dehydrated
    4. Homicidal
  13. What is the staple diet of chilli cat?
    1. Rabbits
    2. Squirrels
    3. Cheese and onion crisps
    4. Unidentifiable entrails
  14. What is ‘<BHK686>’?asteroid-dinosaurs
    1. A variety of organic chilli-specialised fertiliser
    2. The wi-fi password for the farm
    3. A piece of HTML coding used on the farm’s website
    4. Yet another of Jamie’s ever more bizarre butt dials
  15. What wiped out the dinosaurs?
    1. Meteor strike
    2. Climate change
    3. Misdirected sex drive
    4. God Slayer

 

 

Once you have completed your paper please put your name at the top and place in File 13 (also known as the Pearl Harbour file).

Grading is as follows:

0 to 5:  You have seen a chilli at a distance, and once may accidentally have eaten a slice of jalapeno.  Joined-up writing is a challenge.

5 to 10:  You have tried a hot chilli sauce, although the language you may have used at that point is simply not justified.  You are reasonably fluent in the English language.

11 to 14:  You have a worryingly detailed knowledge of Scoville ratings, and can even explain the use of the word organoleptic.  You wear black most of the time, and dealing with average people is too painful for you.

15:  You are dangerously insightful, practically unemployable, and probably psychotic.  You are ideally suited to a career in chilli farming.

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